Rambling Thoughts

I was speaking with a friend recently about things past. Failures, successes, tribulations, comforts, the ease and safeness of complacency versus the hard and jarring things that simple questions can reveal to, and about, a person. It’s a discussion I am continuously very grateful for. It was one of those moments that you don’t often experience around friends and family, because either your heart is hard to their observation or their advice is so laced with frustration that it’s hard to distinguish between despair and truly reasonable concern. I had to accept things I’ve denied for a long time, even to myself in my secret moments when nobody is around and I am totally “honest” with myself.

But, are we ever truly “honest” with ourselves? I don’t think we can be. The Scriptures say that only God knows our hearts. Not even we really know ourselves. The deepest perceptible rustlings of thought, emotion, care, struggle, desire—God knows us beyond even these things. And, sometimes, He reveals them to us, in bits and pieces.

It’s the same with dreams. I’m a big dreamer. Sometimes, I dream out of selfish ambition. Sometimes, I awaken to a dream that has been given to me by the Creator who knows me and my purposeful existence better than I will ever be able to fathom. In the awakening, I occasionally find the dream I’ve been dreaming has to be left behind. Maybe temporarily, maybe forever. And this is so difficult, as a person’s dreams often come to define both who he is in their pursuit and who he will be once they are realized. It’s like losing an identity.

School has been a lead weight to me in past years. It has largely been one chase down the Rabbit Hole after another. I’ve been an electronic engineer, a composer, a youth worker, even a businessman. Not that these adventure have been useless or wholly unnecessary. Even now, I see many things I’ve pursued converging in my life, almost as a reassurance that it’s not been a total loss. But, academically, it’s been a great loss. And, now, the state of my scholastic situation is a cross I can no longer ignore or tinker around with. Now is the time. I must pick it up and carry it.

This past weekend I was in Kentucky, surrounded by good friends, old and new. While I was there, my heart was stirred. Ideas and thoughts that I would never have imagined began to spring to life as I read a story about an Orthodox parish in the early stages of a long process of leaving the storefront for a beautiful God-given hillside of 18 acres. These emerging dreams found support from parishioners I spoke with, and even the priest. In two years, who knows? I might actually get to carry them out.

As a result, I feel I can be excited and somewhat certain about my future for once, both the immediate future and the distant future. (I already had plans shelved for the fall and the spring of the upcoming school year). Jamie Tworkowski of To Write Love On Her Arms puts my thoughts better than I could right now, I think:

It’s like playing poker with God, and I’m all in – every last chip. And He had to know that I would be, because he made me this way. And I cry sometimes, but I also have to smile, because win or lose, we’re walking out of here together. And I wonder if it’s rare, this crazy thing always pushing in my chest, the weight also a gift, God always saying “Come on, follow me. Let’s go see this new thing. You have to trust me.” And me with all my questions, always reaching to rewind, that button always broken. And everyone with their stories and encouragement, words about miscarriage and redemption and “this too shall pass.” And God smiling, going “It’s me, you know me, I know you, I’m proud of you, Let’s go, Let’s do this, You’ve never been alone.”

Yet, first is first in the order of things. Jon Foreman says, “In my dreams, I see visions of the future. But, today we have today.” And this is very hard. Naturally, I want to succeed now and realize my dreams now. Like a lot of kids, I never liked cleaning up messes. I was excellent at making them, but awful at un-making them. Though, I have been known to buckle down and restore a pile of mess to a nice and neat collection of whatnot (toys, clothes, books, CD’s, etc.) All it took was motivation.

Motivation is always hard when you feel helpless and lost. But, helplessness is just as scarce in the presence of strength, and it’s hard to get lost when you’re following someone who knows the way.

God give us grace that we may follow, and strength that we may continue in the sight of difficulty.

~ by Jonathan on June 12, 2007.