Follow the Yellow Brick Road

(My apologies if this doesn’t exactly make sense.)

I’m in West Virginia at my school for a few days. I figured since I’m paying for a dorm room, I might as well put it to use. Though I don’t have to be here, technically speaking. All my classes are online this semester, so I’m free to come and go as I please and as time and money permit. It’s all very nice, to be honest. Thanks to this, I’m able to take care of things both here and at home. It also allows travel to other places for things like retreats, visits, even getting to hand pick a mission trip for Spring Break.

And the things that have happened so far, from discussions to just things that have simply occurred as a matter of course, all bear on my future. I know it sounds trite. High school seniors hear it a lot when they’re nearing graduation: “Be careful with the choices you make, because they make or break your future.” Yet, it’s so true.

I used to think that I had made some pretty screwy choices, because I couldn’t see where exactly my future was heading. I mean, sure, I had vague ideas about what I would do. But never specifics. (I’ve already written about this at length, so I’ll spare you for the most part. If you want an idea, check out the post entitled “Be Still and Know.”)

But, looking back on the choices, and why I made them, that they got me here all makes sense somehow. I have begun to realize that even a broken road forms a path of sorts.

Back then, my mindset was to stick with what I was doing and figure out how it all fit together later. Basically, to plug along and then decide what the specifics of my future would be. So, needless to say, when I changed what I thought I would do, I changed my major. It was craziness. I would seemingly just change my mind on a whim. So, I naturally would have to change my entire course.

But, now, it seems that I’ve kind of inverted that logic. I know exactly what I would like to do. Almost down to the letter. And, instead of changing all the time, it constantly gets refined and more specific. And, so, I’m left with wondering what I should take in school to tailor my course of study to what I’m planning on doing. I’m rather fortunate this time, as I’m in a liberal studies program that gives me much freedom. But, all the same, it’s maddening.

It’s like standing at the center of the Yellow Brick Road in Munchkin Land and seeing the far-off city walls of the Emerald City. Yet, though I stand at the one center, I look ahead along the road and notice that it branches off several times. I know that all branches will lead to the destination, but I don’t know which one will leave me best equipped to handle what residence in the City will ask of me.

I’m often asked how much longer I have. Honestly, I have no clue. Probably two years. But that’s a give-or-take estimation. I won’t have a clear idea until I meet with Glenda the Good Witch (also known as Ann my adviser) and she helps me discern the best way.

But, even when that happens, what do I do if another piece of the puzzle becomes clearer? Do I make up the difference later? I can’t be in school forever. Professional Student isn’t a viable major. (Though…I’ve occasionally thought about declaring it nonetheless. )

I know I’ll figure it out. I know I’ll get through it. And it’ll all make sense in the end, even if not in my eyes. As I recently told a dear friend in the midst of her own crisis of understanding, “God isn’t always logical, but He is always good.”

If only I wasn’t so bent on knowing how everything worked and fit together. If I was free of that, my life would be so much easier. I could actually live for once.

The Orthodox Church teaches that everyone and everything we encounter, to whatever degree, is for our salvation. That is to say that these things are placed in our lives in order that we might draw closer to God through our reaction to them. By drawing closer, we are molded more and more into the people He wants us to be. We don’t always do that, but that’s what they’re for anyhow.

It’s in situations like this one that this is very painfully and frustratingly obvious. But, I take comfort in this because it assures me that the things I do aren’t for naught. They make a difference at some point. So, with this in mind, I try to press on and hold on to what sense I can and let go of what I don’t understand, knowing that my need to do that is for my good.

*sigh* I think I can…I think I can…I think I can…

~ by Jonathan on January 22, 2007.